Having a child was something I never thought I wanted. I spent years in active addiction, overwhelmed with hopelessness and fear. I was clouded with substances, and the last thing I was thinking about was bringing a child into the world. After 2 ½ years of being clean, working a program, building a support network, and falling in love, I got pregnant.
Insecurity and the looming feeling of inadequacy began to set in. The same feelings I struggled with as a child, were now showing themselves in a whole new way. I was kept up a night obsessing about the ‘what ifs’ and constantly battling with myself about whether I could do this or not. I had spent the last few years immersing myself into NA, and this was the most alone I had ever felt. My boyfriend was supportive and excited, but no matter how many times he told me it was going to be okay, I couldn’t shake the anxiety.
At 6 months, things are better. I still worry. Worry about my daughter feeling as though she isn’t enough. Worry that she too, will turn to drugs and alcohol to fill the same void that lived in me for so long. Applying what I’ve learned in recovery to these fears has helped me stay in the present, and not lose myself in problems I don’t have yet. And might never have.
When I start to get lost in the fear of the future, I remind myself to slow down, and take it one day at a time. When I feel alone, I call someone from my network, or lean on my boyfriend. I started to realize, the best thing I can do for my child, is take care of me.
Life is about change. Life is about growth. Life is about being scared of the new, and doing it anyway. Today I choose to accept Life’s Challenges as they come, gaining more of myself as I overcome things I never dreamed possible. Today I choose to take back what active addiction took from me. Today is mine.